All Gone!

WZW finished up the last of my frozen breastmilk recently.  We only had a little left, and my husband had planned to give him the last of it on his first birthday.  But he started to get a runny nose, watery eyes, and cough, so he decided to give it to him now.  Not sure that it’ll help now that he’s already sick, but can’t hurt.

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It’s actually amazing that he hasn’t gotten sick thus far, since he’s been drinking almost exclusively formula for the last month and a half.  A couple of weeks ago, my husband, the nanny & her 5 year-old and I all got some stomach bug.  I had to call in sick for the first time in my five years at my current job.  Thankfully, WZW managed to avoid catching the illness that made the rest of us miserable.

Not sure where he got his cold, but it hasn’t been too bad.  He seems to be more or less his normal happy self, he just has gross snot running down from his nose.  And has more trouble sleeping.  One benefit of not having him in daycare is that he hadn’t gotten sick yet.  But then again I see my friend’s baby doing all kinds of fun and stimulating activities at his daycare, which I can’t expect my nanny to do.  So there’s pros and cons to everything.

I stopped breastfeeding completely the weekend of the 4th of July.  I hadn’t been making very much as it was, 1-2 oz per pumping session most of the time.  So I spaced out the feedings/pumping the week into it.  Then completely stopped.  A couple of weeks after that, I still noticed some milk leaking.  I got out of the shower, and at first thought I hadn’t dried myself off completely.  But then I realized it was my left boob leaking.  I had some pains occasionally on that side as well.

But otherwise, I thankfully never had any engorgement, clogged ducts, or any of the other issues I’d dealt with previously with breastfeeding.  It’s been quite nice not being tied to the pump anymore, and having to constantly worry about it.  I also no longer have to wear a nursing bra at night.

What’s funny is that I had started wearing socks to sleep after having WZW as well.  We have hardwood floors, and my feet will get dirty if I walk barefoot all the time.  Because I’d have to get up so often at night, I’d started wearing socks to sleep, which I’d never done all my life.  Well, now that WZW is sleeping better (still not consistently through the night, though) and my husband takes care of most nights, I realized I didn’t need to wear socks at night anymore.  My feet felt so FREE!  For me, it was even better than not having to wear a nursing bra to bed.

WZW didn’t seem to miss the boobs.  He hadn’t quite gotten to the point that he got a significant amount of comfort from them yet, so he never went looking for them.  Out of curiosity, I once flashed him to see if he would react, but he didn’t go for the boob then, either.  But now that he’s more vocal when he’s unhappy, I can see how it would be hard to wean an older infant.

It took a full 3 weeks to notice a difference in my appetite.  I was at lunch with my friend, and all of a sudden, I was full.  I looked at my plate- already?  I was only halfway through the large plate, whereas before it was a given that I’d finish it.  My appetite had been on par with a teenage boy’s.

With the change in appetite, I was hoping that would mean the weight would start to fall off.  But unfortunately it has stayed put.  Work has been busier than ever, so I’m spending tons of time at work, and not getting a chance to exercise.  It’s just too much effort to go back to being Paleo, so particularly at lunch, I’m eating whatever sandwiches and such are available on meeting days, and bring pre-made wraps on days I need to bring my own lunch.

I think with the stress and constant fatigue, it’s really difficult to eat better.  I’m a total stress eater, so being tired and overworked means I’m going to go for comfort food.  And exercise is nearly impossible to fit in when work is busy.  As it is, there are days when I get home and my son is already asleep.  So the only time I see him all day is in the morning, as I’m rushing about to feed him and get myself ready and out the door.

I can’t help but focus on my weight, since I have a daily reminder seeing all of my clothes in my closet that I no longer fit into.  At this point, I didn’t expect to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but I wanted to at least make a dent in my current weight.  But now I’m realizing how much work that would be, and unless work miraculously slows down, it would be really hard to do.

So it’s a tough balance.  I don’t want to completely give up on trying to eat better and fit in exercise when I can.  But I also don’t want to make myself depressed over not losing weight.  I have to remind myself that it’s tough to be working my full-time plus job, period.  And having a baby, even with a husband who’s been taking care of him when he wakes up at night, is not easy.  So I keep reminding myself that I have a stable job, which despite its frustrations provides me personal fulfillment.  I have a healthy, happy baby who is an unbelievable joy.  And a husband who continues to be an amazing father and partner in life.

There are a lot of people who desperately want to have just one of the above- to be a doctor (or whatever career they are after), have a healthy baby, or to find Mr. Right.  So some extra pounds, which perhaps I can work off at some point down the line, isn’t the worst ever.  We can’t have it all.  And I am only human.

In addition to my vanity, I worry about whether starting another pregnancy at a less healthy weight would affect baby #2.  But then again, my husband was born 13 months after his brother, which didn’t follow the conventional advice that it’s best to space babies at least 18 months apart, to let the mother’s body recover.  And he ended up playing sports at the college level, while his older brother did not.  Maybe I’ll be able to breastfeed baby #2 longer, which will sorta make up for it.

For now, though, I’m staying on the birth control pills because I cannot handle the idea of being pregnant again.

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