The Transition

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the wonderful mothers out there!  My husband outdid himself again, and put together a video montage of WZW learning to say, “I love you, Mama.”  It started late last year when most of what he was saying was still unintelligible, to now where we can understand most of what he’s saying.  It helps that his hair was really short when the video clips started, and you can see the time progression based on how his hair grew back.  I’m lucky to have such a thoughtful husband.

I’m feeling better since my last post.  With that said, the length of time that we’ve been experiencing infertility is wearing on me (and my husband).  Every time I get that negative pregnancy test or get my period, it’s like a big fat:

F on test


And we doctors aren’t used to those. 😉

The finality of it every month is starting to feel devastating, even if it’s for that one day.  Even though I tell myself that it doesn’t always happen right away, and that it’s a good sign that I did conceive recently, it’s impossible for me not to feel a sense of failure with each passing month that I don’t conceive.

I did ask the nurse practitioner in the fertility office how long Clomid causes side effects affecting mood, and she said that she thinks about a week after the course is completed.  I usually take it for 5 days starting within the first few days of my cycle.  That means that how I’ve been feeling at the time of the next period shouldn’t be attributed to the Clomid, according to her.  So I guess it’s just me.

I feel like I’m reaching a transition point this month.  Now that it’s May, we’ve been trying for a year and a half.  We tried IUI twice, then got pregnant on the first cycle of Clomid, which ended in miscarriage.  This is the 2nd cycle of Clomid since then, so my third cycle total.

It’s also been one year since I had my FSH and AMH checked, which are tests to assess fertility.  Last year, things looked fine which is why the REI docs didn’t urge me to go straight to IVF.  But if the tests show declining fertility now, then I’m sure they’d tell me I should go to IVF.  Also, based on the time I’ve spent trying to conceive, I think I’d need to try IVF soon.

Previously, I’d been hesitant to go to IVF because I felt like I should be able to conceive without it based on my labs, and based on having conceived WZW without any problems.  After I did conceive on Clomid, that solidified it.  Plus I’m aware that IVF adds an additional layer of stress.  I got a taste of it with the IUI, but the IVF is more involved- more medications, office visits, undergoing a procedure with the egg retrieval, etc.  I think the nature of it just adds a certain gravity to the process.  My impression is that compared to IUI, it would put me under more pressure and stress, from speaking to friends/colleagues who went through it.  So I was hoping to save myself from that.

But I don’t want to be naive about the fact that my biological clock is ticking away, and that if I wait too long, my fertility will continue to decline.  So long as I do IVF before my fertility declines too much, it would generally result in better chances for us to end up with a viable pregnancy.

One benefit that my friend who did IVF mentioned is that I can have testing performed on the embryos to check for chromosomal disorders.  So rather than taking my chances with nature, especially given my age, and possibly having a baby with Down syndrome or other chromosomal disorder that is diagnosed during the pregnancy, we could start with a normal embryo from the get-go.  She also said I could potentially choose the gender, but I realized that I don’t want a girl that badly.  I’d be perfectly happy with another boy; I just want a healthy baby.

So I’m finally mentally prepared to take the leap and start the process for doing IVF if I don’t conceive this month.



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