Regretting Motherhood?

Since becoming a parent, I’m naturally more interested in parenting articles.  I discovered the TIME magazine Parents newsletter, which gets delivered to my inbox each Friday.  Belinda Luscombe, a TIME writer, rounds up links to various parenting-related articles each week, and also has a little advice on a different topic weekly, based on the child’s age.  I love the newsletters, and make time to keep up with them (unlike my Twitter feeds and Lenny articles, post-baby).  Here is a sample:

http://time.com/newsletter/parents/

And if you want to sign up for the weekly email newsletter, you can go here, scroll to the bottom, and input your email address:

http://time.com/parents/

Recently, she’s had a couple of articles about people regretting becoming parents.  The first is about a researcher in Israel, who did a study about women who regretted having children.  Perhaps regret is too strong of a word.  In essence, in a society where women who don’t have children are looked down upon, there is this promise of fulfillment in becoming a mother.  But it “may simultaneously be a realm of distress, helplessness, frustration, hostility and disappointment, as well as an arena of oppression and subordination”.  These women love their children, and are not bad mothers.  But given the significant impact having a child has on one’s life, they now wish they hadn’t done it.  Certainly taboo to admit one regrets becoming a mother.

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/may/09/love-regret-mothers-wish-never-had-children-motherhood

The second article is an anonymous post by a father with similar sentiments.  He became clinically depressed after realizing he did not want the profound changes in his life that occurred after having his son.  His wife doesn’t understand how he could feel that way, so it’s put a strain on the relationship.

https://www.quora.com/What-is-it-like-to-regret-having-children

The fact that both articles/posts ended up in the Parents newsletter means that they gained some buzz.  On the one hand, it’s still a bit shocking to hear that a parent regrets having children.  But on the other hand, it sounds like it’s more common than you’d think.  And these articles are raising awareness.

I always wanted to have kids.  Whether that was due to expectations from society and my parents, I don’t know.  But I was old enough when I got married to have a sense of how life-changing it is to have kids.  So when I got married, I knew I wanted to have kids, and it was a decision I had made independently.  My husband wanted children as well.  We were lucky enough to be able to plan it, and not to have had trouble conceiving.

Even then, it’s been tough and I relate to the sentiments of the articles.  Even despite wanting a child, having a supportive partner, planning a pregnancy, and having a pretty good idea of what to expect, it’s still hard.  Really hard.  Granted, I didn’t quite know what it was like and how hard it was until going through it myself.  And it’s hard for others to explain what it’s like to get so much joy from your little guy.

But the chronic sleep-deprivation, and general demand on my life hasn’t been easy.  I have the type of job where I work 50-something hours a week, and I can’t exactly half-ass it.  So it’s tough when I’m chronically tired, but still have to be at the top of my game at work.  I feel like all I have the time and energy for is work, and whatever is required to take care of WZW- the breastfeeding and pumping (which I hate every day), getting up at night for him, and just in general watching him so he doesn’t kill himself these days.

He’s sleeping better, and taking longer naps, so it is nice for getting more stuff done.  But what I find is that even on weekends, it’s hard to catch up on sleep.  There’s always stuff I want to do, even if it’s sitting on my computer like this.  I’m introverted by nature, so I need to decompress and have alone time.  That is much more difficult given all of the demands of having a baby.  So between the lack of sleep and lack of me-time, I often don’t feel settled.

So particularly for my patients who did not plan their pregnancies, don’t have a solid relationship with their partner, don’t have financial stability, or just were ambivalent about children in the first place, I can see how one may regret parenthood.

For me, the other ramification of chronic sleep-deprivation is that my health has suffered.  When you’re tired, extra hungry from breastfeeding, and don’t have any free time, your food choices (and amounts) suffer.  It depresses me that I’m 20 lbs heavier than I was pre-pregnancy.  Or at least at last check.  I don’t even want to step on the scale any more, since it will only make me feel worse.  And the thing is, I gained weight after I initially lost much of the pregnancy weight.  So I think it’s mostly from the chronic sleep-deprivation.

I worry about this not getting better for a while.  Many parents say it took years for their kids to really sleep through the night.  Also, we’d like to have another child, and given my age I can’t wait that long.  But I worry about whether I can handle a pregnancy and another baby since I’m already having a tough time.

What it comes down to is that I don’t regret motherhood, and I hope we are fortunate enough to have a second healthy child.  But I am well aware of the sacrifices that come with that.  And right now, my fear is that I will remain this fat forever.  Yes, it’s superficial, but my self-esteem is tied to my weight and appearance.  As well as my health, which is ultimately more important than my appearance.  I’m afraid of being this heavy permanently, or at least for a good number of years.  I probably worry too much, but I think that’s the sleep-deprivation talking. 🙂

Here’s our newly 9 month-old little guy, who has turned Mom and Dad’s lives upside down.  He’s wearing the jinbei-san my mom got him in Japan.  Also referred to by my husband as his Japanese dashiki.

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The Long Haul

This post is going to be about me complaining about the challenges of chronic sleep deprivation as a new mom.  Now, I do want to preface this by saying that I have much to be grateful for.  2015 was the year of WZW.  I found out on New Year’s Eve last year that I was pregnant, and I’m very fortunate to have had a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and now baby.

On top of that, I have a Super Dad of a husband.  In addition to his normal full-time job, he does everything he can humanly do to contribute to our family.  Breastfeeding is probably the only thing he can’t do.  He takes WZW off my hands when he can, cooks, and takes care of the dishes.  He loves organizing our house and doing things that involve trips to Home Depot.  So he’s constantly adding shelves, organizing stuff in labeled plastic bins, and finding better ways to use our limited space.  Honestly, when I go back to work, I definitely won’t be able to do the equivalent of what he does.  And best of all, he makes me feel loved and appreciated for what I do as WZW’s mom.

I am very aware of all that I have to be grateful for, but I’m still human.  Which means that the difficulties that I deal with daily are what are at the forefront of my mind.  WZW is now 11 weeks old, and as of his doctor’s visit a couple weeks ago, weighed 11 lbs.  I’m also on my last two weeks of maternity leave, so I’m starting to feel anxious about what it’s going to be like heading back and adjusting to work life post-baby.

For me, as the weeks have gone on with me taking care of WZW nearly 24/7 during my husband’s work days, the fatigue has become chronic.  Although WZW goes at least 4 hours now between feeds, he often wakes up every couple of hours at night.  So my sleep is still very fragmented. Sometimes on his off days, my husband will take nighttime duty and give WZW a feed of my thawed breast milk and take care of putting him back to sleep.  I wake up feeling great, and it certainly helps, but it’s frustrating that it’s not enough.  I still feel tired, and I feel like I’m so behind on sleep that I’d need to sleep for days to catch up.

Based on friends’ recommendations, and as gifts, we’ve ended up with a ton of baby books.  One is the sleep book by the same guy that did the Happiest Baby on the Block DVD, Harvey Karp, MD.  He discusses how sleep (or more like lack of it) contributes to postpartum depression.  We OB/Gyn docs make sure to check in with our patients at their 4-6 week postpartum visit to screen for postpartum depression.  And we’re very aware that unfortunately it often starts early.  Our Pediatrics docs and social workers help us screen as well, particularly for moms whose babies are in the NICU since they’re at higher risk.  That helps us catch the moms who are at-risk, and at a time prior to their postpartum appointments with us.

Dr. Karp mentions, though, that postpartum depression can show up months later.  Moms (and dads) who have very fussy babies, and/or aren’t getting as much sleep have a higher risk for depression.  Now that I’m going through it, I can totally relate.  For me, the initial push was ok.  But now that I’ve been in the state of chronic sleep deprivation for months, I’m feeling it more.  And I notice that when I’ve had a rough night, I feel worse in terms of my mood.

A typical scenario is that I wake up to feed WZW.  By the time he’s fed, burped, and put back to sleep, it’s easily been 45 min to an hour.  When I first woke up, I was nodding off as I was feeding him.  But by the time I’m done, I’m no longer desperately tired.  Not only that, but I’m hungry.  So I need to stay up even longer to eat.  Sometimes I think I’m tired enough and not hungry enough, so I’ll lay down.  And then find myself still awake half an hour later.  So I get up, eat a snack, and at long last go back to sleep.

I then wake up to my son crying and look at the clock- it’s been an hour.  It’s not time for him to eat yet, so he’s up because of something else.  In that moment, I’m so exhausted and all I can think about is how badly I want to be back in the comfort of my warm bed.  Instead, I’m pretty much hating life.

When the morning comes and the sun is up, the desperately tired feeling gives way to just my normal chronic fatigue.  Possibly the most ubiquitous piece of advice for new moms that I’ve seen and heard everywhere is, “Sleep when baby sleeps.”  Sounds reasonable enough, right?  Ha!  Not with my son.  Thank goodness he manages to sleep on his own at night.  But during the day, he generally needs to be in contact with a warm body (usually mine is the one that’s available) in order to sleep.

He spends a lot of time in the Rock ‘n Play, and as he gets tired he’ll get cranky but never puts himself to sleep in it.  That means I have to hold him until he does, and then I’ll try to put him back down in it.  The majority of the time, as soon as I do so, those little eyes open up- gotcha!  Sometimes I’ll get lucky and he stays asleep, and I’ll have a blissful 10 minutes to rush about and take care of things around the house before he wakes up again.

The other alternative is a carrier.  Around the house, I’ve used our Boba wrap.  Our traditional infant carrier is great for taking him out in public.  It’s also fine for using around the house, as it gives us the use of both hands more easily than with the Boba wrap.  Once WZW is nice and snug in a carrier and has his pacifier, he will pass out.  But since he’s attached to me, that means certain activities like showering are not happening.

I’ve tried napping with him in the Boba wrap, but he tends to wake up if I try to recline.  At best, I can try to nap sitting up, which isn’t the most comfortable for me, especially since we decided not to get a recliner chair for now.

Napping during the day is a great idea in theory, and sleep-deprived parents should definitely do so if they can.  But the reality is that babies as it is will sleep for short spurts, and in my case my son needs to be in physical contact with me to sleep.

Of course anyone is gonna feel crappy with less sleep.  But my mind tends towards the negative.  I’ll dwell on negative stuff, get more upset about things, etc.  Part of that for me has been the challenge of my eating habits and weight.

I’ve mentioned the snacking at night.  During the day, since I’m so tired, I care less about what I eat and am drawn towards the “bad stuff.”  It’s known in general that people who are sleep-deprived tend to be more overweight/obese.  I know it’s normal to not bounce back like Heidi Klum, but it still doesn’t feel good to be 10 lbs heavier than I used to be pre-pregnancy.  Plus, my old clothes don’t fit, and it’s depressing to have to wear my maternity pants.

I also feel guilty since I’ve continued to stray from the Paleo lifestyle.  I have a blog with Paleo in the frickin’ title!  I feel like such a hypocrite.  And yet the sleep-deprivation wins out, and I go on eating my bread.  It was always an extra challenge at work to bring my lunch.  During my pregnancy when I relaxed on the Paleo thing, I must say it was much easier being able to eat the lunches provided on the days I had work meetings.

I’m not really sure how I’m gonna figure things out as I transition back to work.  It’s gonna be tough handling my already stressful work schedule, adding breast milk pumping, and then if on top of that I have to worry about preparing my meals each day?  I know I can do it, and it’s a matter of prioritizing.  But I do think of it as another chore as I go back to work.  Let’s face it- it’s much easier if on some days I can just eat the sandwiches provided at work.

I struggle with trying not to be too hard on myself- I already have perfectionist tendencies, and it’s not easy dealing with a young infant 24/7.  And sleep deprivation- man, is that stuff potent!  You can have the best intentions and plans, and they will be totally annihilated by a poor night’s sleep.  On the other hand, I don’t want to be making excuses for myself, and devolve into a lifestyle full of unhealthy choices.

I don’t have the answers.  It’s gonna be something that I figure out as I go along.  But I just needed to vent.  And I am still tired.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  My ethnically ambiguous, gender neutrally outfitted little guy says hello:

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